A Matter of Trust
by sasha1600
Summary: Tony has been thinking about his conversation with Gibbs in 'TGIF'. Warning: discussion of spanking of adult; no ‘on-screen’ spanking in this one.
1. Chapter 1

**A Matter of Trust**

**Summary**: Tony has been thinking about his conversation with Gibbs in TGIF? **Warning**: discussion of spanking of adult; no 'on-screen' spanking in this one.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own 'em, I'm just playing with 'em.

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A/N: This is part of my discipline series, and brings together plot lines begun in other stories, especially The Prank and TGIF?.

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**Warning: discussion of spanking of an adult; no 'on-screen' spanking in this one.**

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_19:50 _

I look up from my desk and glance over at Tony. He's still pretending to work. Everyone else left ages ago, and I know that he finished his report at least an hour ago. Now he's just tapping random keys, trying to make me think that he's still editing the document.

I'm fairly certain that he's trying to work up the nerve to talk to me about something. I don't often admit, even to myself, how much he reminds me of myself, of what I always imagined my son would be like, if I'd had one. I think he got the message, that night when I had him make a paddle, and told him about doing the same thing for my father. And the way he's acting now, he's gearing up for a conversation that has nothing to do with work, and I find I'm surprisingly pleased by that. But, I know that pressing him about it is the fastest way to shut him up tighter than a clam.

So, I wait.

_20:05_

I see movement out of the corner of my eye and look up again. I make sure to keep my face neutral; I don't want to scare him off.

'Uh, Boss?'

'Yeah, Tony?'

'Uh... can I talk to you for a sec?'

'Sure. Waddaya need?'

'Well, I... sorry... never mind...'

'Tony! Get back here.'

He aborts his retreat and returns to stand in front of my desk.

'What's on your mind?'

'It's... uh... just that... well...'

I make a conscious effort to keep my brewing impatience off my face. I want to encourage Tony to open up to me. Snapping at him for not doing it at a pace more suited to my notions of efficient communication isn't going to help that process. I watch him take a deep breath, blink a few times, and visibly decide to start again.

'Ok. You know when you said that you didn't want to make me do anything that I'm not comfortable with? When you... uh... punish me?'

I feel my heart drop. I had half-expected to have this conversation with him at some point, but I actually thought we'd gotten past the point when it was likely.

I don't know very much about Tony's childhood, but the little I've figured out makes me careful about using my usual discipline methods with him. I still hold him to the same high standards that I expect of all my agents, and I spank him when I think he needs it. But I keep an eye out for any sign that I'm awakening demons from his past. That's why I made him have that little chat after I found out about him hiding the paddle and the strap, even though it was obvious that he didn't want to talk about it. At first I didn't think much about it; Tony has a definite childish streak at times, especially when he's sick or injured. But then I got concerned that that little stunt was a messed up way of telling me that he has a problem with how I discipline him, that he was trying to say with his actions something that he wasn't comfortable saying with words. So I made more of a point than usual of making sure that Tony knows that, if he would rather I take a more conventional approach with him, that's fine by me.

But, Tony insisted that he doesn't have a problem with my... shall we say 'unorthodox'... methods. And they seemed to be working with him. And he's never asked me not to take such a personal interest in his behaviour. That is, it seems, until now.

'I meant it, Tony.'

'Uh... well...'

I need to let him know that I'll still be here for him, even if he wants to change the terms of our relationship.

'Tony, if you would rather do things by the book than answer to me personally, that's fine. Really. Or, if you still want me to punish you off the record, we can find other ways of doing it. I don't have to spank you...'

'Uh... that's not the problem. Well, not in general...'

'Ok, now you've lost me...'

My stomach lurches as Tony seems to lose his nerve at the suggestion that he isn't doing a very good job with whatever he is trying to say. Despite the superficial bravado, he's actually very insecure, and takes any criticism to heart, more than he should. His face falls, and he starts to turn away.

'I should just go...'

'No. You should tell me what you are trying to say, so I can understand what the problem is. I can't fix it, if I don't know about it.'

I stand up and circle my desk, perching on the edge of it closest to Tony. When he doesn't respond, and merely looks at me with slightly panicked eyes, I continue quietly, 'It's ok, Tony. Tell me what's on your mind.'

'It's just... a switch.'

The words are spoken so softly that I'm not sure I heard them correctly.

'I'm not sure I understand, Tony. A switch?'

'Yeah... I don't mind if you spank me... I mean in general... but can you... uh... not... use a switch again? It's just... it reminds me... of... uh...'

His words trail off. I feel a mixture of relief and deep regret.

I'm glad I haven't misread my relationship with DiNozzo as badly as I was starting to fear I might have done. Knowing that he hasn't been silently brooding, resenting my punishments, allowing old wounds to fester rather than admit that he has a problem, has me breathing easier. And, while I meant my earlier words about finding alternative ways of dealing with Tony, it will be orders of magnitude easier to just continue what we've been doing.

But, at the same time, I wish I'd known this before I made him cut one, then whipped him with it. It only happened the once, and it seemed appropriate at the time. But I don't like knowing that I might have contributed to whatever problem Tony's having slaying that particular demon. On the other hand, while Tony reacted with fear and initial resistance, he seemed to be ok after the initial shock of my order... But I know that psychological scars can be deeply buried.

I look at him carefully, making sure to keep my face impassive. If he thinks I'm doubting him about something so important, it could irreparably damage the fragile bond between us.

He looks... nervous. But it's not unreasonable that he might be uncomfortable revealing something so personal, something that makes him feel vulnerable, to me.

'Ok.'

'That's it?'

'That's it... unless you want to talk about it?'

'No... uh... I'd rather not.'

'It might help...?'

'I'm not... uh... maybe someday?'

'Whenever you're ready. You know I'm here.'

'And it's... uh... ok?'

'Of course.'

'Oh. Uh... ok. Well... I'll just...'

Tony starts to leave again.

'Tony?'

'Yeah, Boss?'

'I'm glad you told me. Really. I'm proud of you for knowing your own needs, and setting limits you can live with. And I'm glad that you trust me enough to share this with me.'

I see him swallow hard and blink rapidly, but I don't let on that I know how much my words affect him.

'Uh, yeah... uh... thanks, Boss.'

Tony grabs his things from his desk and heads for the elevator with uncharacteristic haste, not even giving me the report that he'd been using as his excuse to stay late. Shaking my head sadly, I watch the man I've come to think of as a son leave.


	2. Chapter 2

_19:50 _

If I'm going to do this, it's gotta be now.

According to Jessica down in Human Resources, we're all gonna be sent on an 'advanced' wilderness tracking and survival course. Even Gibbs doesn't know about it yet; the memos aren't going out until Monday. She only told me about it because she knows how much I hate having to sleep in a tent, and she wanted to give me the chance to come down with a relapse of the plague or something to get out of it.

Jessica is a sweet girl; I'm gonna have to get her something nice for her birthday next month. Maybe some perfume, if I can figure out what she wears. Maybe Kate can help me with that; girls talk about that sort of thing in the bathroom, don't they? Or maybe a nice silk scarf... blue to match her eyes. And maybe I can suggest some other things to do with... FOCUS, Tony. Gotta focus now.

Ok. Anyway, I have a much better plan in mind, than pretending to be sick to get out of our little field trip to a Marine base. Because when Jessica told me about the course, my first thought wasn't that I'm gonna have to sleep in a tent, or even that I'm probably going to have to share the damn thing with McGee. Uh-uh. It was that, the last time I got stuck on a Marine base with Gibbs for more than a couple of hours, I ended up being whipped with a freakin' switch. Which I had to cut myself. God. That was awful.

I mean, _really_ awful. It's bad enough when he uses that goddamn paddle that he made me make. And that strap he has is pretty evil. That thing _hurts_. But it's really no worse than a belt, and I have enough experience with _those_ that I can cope. But the thought of Gibbs using a switch again is just unbearable.

And then I thought about what Gibbs told me a few weeks ago, when he said that he didn't want to punish me in ways that I have a problem with. I know what he meant. He knows full well that I can take anything he dishes out, physically at least. I won't _like_ it, but nothing he has in mind is going to do me any actual harm. He's worried about whether I'm too screwed up emotionally to deal with it.

The irony of _that_ is, being spanked by Gibbs has never pushed any of those buttons for me. I knew right from the start that _his_ discipline was fair, deserved, and controlled. No matter how much it hurt, I always felt safe. And, later, it started feeling like he was punishing me because he actually cared about me. That makes all the difference. It's the not knowing if the person hitting me cares or not whether he actually kills me, and knowing that he's only doing it because I annoyed him too much, too often, that freaks me out. Even with that goddamn switch, I _knew_ that Gibbs wasn't going to take it too far... and that he was doing it because he wanted to make sure that I got the message that pranks that almost kill someone aren't funny, before I ended up having to live with myself after actually killing someone by being a jerk...

And that's why I feel so crappy right now, and why I'm having second thoughts about going through with my brilliant plan.

Because, deep down, I love the fact that Gibbs has become the father I never had. He's strict... ok, sometimes he's a real bastard... but I always know that he's got my six, and that it's not just because that's his job. And I know that when he decides a lesson is important enough to back it up with a spanking, it's because he's trying to make sure that I get the point before I do something that's gonna end up really screwing up my life. It's a bit weird, having this kind of relationship with an authority figure at this point in my life, and with my boss, at that... but it really does work. The message is delivered hard and fast, and then it's over and we can move on. And I know he's still going to be there for me, no matter how pissed he is at me.

So, I don't feel so great about deliberately doing something that makes it seem like I don't appreciate all of that... what he means to me... what he's doing for me...

And I really don't feel so great about manipulating the fact that he cares so much about doing what's right for me. Because this is only going to work because he's so concerned about getting it wrong, about hurting me by trying to help me.

So I'm not entirely sure that I want to do this.

But, the thing is, if I'm going to do it, it's gotta be now.

If I wait until after that memo goes out, Gibbs is going to think that I'm just worried about being in such close proximity to so many trees. Which, let's face it, I am.

If I talk to him now, before he knows about the training course, it's going to look like I've been thinking about what he said, and have finally worked up the nerve to take him up on his offer. It'll be about deep-rooted but _abstract_ fears, not a reaction to a specific situation.

And, don't get me wrong... what's at stake is so much more than what might or might not happen during the couple of days that we're on that base, this time. I'm talking about knowing that I'll never have to deal with a goddamn switch ever again. Ever. And that's just too tempting to pass up.

Of course, if Gibbs finds out, I'm a dead man. I mean, just think about what he did to me for hiding – no, sorry, _not unhiding_ – that stupid paddle he made me make. If he finds out that I'd never been spanked with a switch before he did it to me, and that I'm just saying that I have issues with it because it freakin' hurts and I don't want to do that again, he'll... I don't know what he'll do, but it'll be unbelievably bad.

But, that's the beauty of my plan. He's sure to believe me... I'm _great _at undercover work, and this isn't really any different. Even if he thinks my mannerisms seem a bit off, he's going to think it's because I'm not comfortable talking to him about my childhood, not that I'm freaking out because I'm lying to him. And there's no way he can find out that there isn't some terrible switch-related traumatic experience in my past, unless I tell him. I didn't even tell the McGeek that it was my first time being punished that way, when he asked me about it. So, as long as I keep my mouth shut, I'm ok. Brilliant, huh?

So, on the one hand, I've got the prospect of permanently removing assorted bits of tree from Gibbs's arsenal, with very little risk to me involved.

And, on the other, I've got the fact that I feel bad about lying to Gibbs in order to accomplish said goal.

I shouldn't even have to think about that one.

So why have I been sitting here for the last hour, pretending to work on this damn report, trying to work up the nerve to put my plan in motion?

Ok, this is stupid. If I'm going to do it, I've got to do it now. And I'm going to do it. I want to do it. Right? Ummmm... ok. Here goes.

I think.


End file.
